second day of less

On this plan to be less I have snacks of fruit and nuts...I have bars and shakes and one 500 calorie meal per day.  and I made it again today.  Two days of success!
My work has a wellness program...it is for fitness and improving self esteem and becoming more aware of who is this person I call me?  I participate.  Not because I don't know who I am or that I need help building my self esteem but, because I think they are fun.  I take them wondering if my answers will be different than the last "test" I took.  One question requires asking other people what my strengths are.   Perseverance was a common answer for me.  I looked at that word, thought about that word and wondered how this word could possibly be a word for me. I am the one with the drastic weight number, I am out of control, I am weak and unable to push away from the table or the snacks. How can perseverance describe me?  If a few someones who know me see that word as a part of me then I can do this drastic change in eating so I can be successful.
I think doing that little questionnaire came at a great time...I am fearful of not being successful in my quest to be less and now I have been given a boost, a piece of hope that I can and will "lose part of me"!

day one

Friday I had yet another surgery.  Nobody even blinks an eye anymore I

have had so many surgeries.  This one very minor to pull out a pin

that keeps my ligament in place for it to heal.  It is healing, the

pin is done.  This little surgery was the eye opener.  You know

usually they just say and How much do you weigh and you tell them what

you think and they write it down.  But this time they had me get on

the scales…that ugly number stared up at me glaring, ridiculing me

shaming me.  .  Two hundred.  What? Me-- exercise specialst, walk the talk, believer in wellness and prevention? Really? I should weigh 125. 

This is a chronic problem since I returned home.  I just keep

gaining.  I have been through a lot over the last few years.  I had

cancer and surgery and chemo and radiation and infections and steroids

and the fatigue and the laziness and the 'overwhelmedness' caused more

and more weight to pile on. socializing with my family always includes food and drinks…socializing with anyone includes food and drinks.  Fatigue, no exercise the list is endless they are the same exucses for everyone else too.  I am not special or different I am just as lazy as the rest of the American population. 

So now I get to deal with guilt and shame not just for being

overweight (NO use the word)…obese but for being obese when I teach

the hazards, risks and demise of obesity.  Yes, me an exercise

specialist, certified diabetes educator in this spot that all my

patients have to deal with.  How could this happen? why did this

happen? why didn’t I stop it sooner? Stop the spiraling-- stop the

madness --grab hold of something and don’t let go. Clamp on to health,

clamp on to joy and get back to where I am supposed to be.

So I tried cutting down and I tried to eat sensibly but it doesn’t

work.  I couldn’t exercise oh wow another list.

Mainly lazy

secondly I had a broken ankle.

Thirdly I am tired and stressed and could not rise above it.

So now I am left with 75 lbs of excess wt.I can barely  bend over to

pick stuff up and I have to do that a lot since I drop stuff all the

time.  Climbing the stairs is hard I would never wear a bathing suit I

can’t dance in public without the fat rolling.  I am basically a mess.

So drastic changes need to occur.  Hello Slim Fast. Good bye other

treats.    And guess what today is…. a pizza party at work.  Yes of

course there is!  I brought a SlimFast shake thing.  I will have to

say no to the pizza, can I say no?  I have to say no.

I tell the me’s out there to set a goal, be realistic, focus on the

good stuff in life, don’t think of this as a diet .  Blah blah blah.

So how am I going to talk to myself?  What can I say so that I will be

motivated and able to stick with it? I want to lose 50 lbs by Dec when

I graduate. And NO that is not a realistic goal. Probably 40 would be

more like it and while I am not wanting to set myself up for failure…I

must be working hard to make this change.  And then another 25.  NO

pizza –Slim Fast  and exercise.  Plan  make a plan re do the plan get

going!

So I will be positive and pragmatic and and it will work.

I believe I will be successful.  I believe I will write on this little

blog and pretend all kinds of people are reading it and joining in

with me on this painful journey.  I believe they will be successful

and we will all be great friends embarking on good health and

practicing what we truly believe.

I see myself hiking mountains, giving of myself, eating within my

means and arresting the gluttony that I despise.

Drastic measures for drastic numbers.  But no pics…must draw the line somewhere.

Onward downward (on the scale anyway)

I will keep you posted on the pizza party lunch…did I give in on day one?

OH MY I did give in on day one…I thought 'one piece and do the shake for dinner'.  And so I did the shake was blended with ice.  It was ok. I wanted to taste like a chocolate shake but not so much.  This is going to work.

If you read along, if you work along with me we will conquer the weight we will be less and by being less we will be more.